On April 25, 2015 at 10:00 pm I began to cut up a drawing I made during my first year at Smith with a single blade razor blade. The drawing is a portrait of a man, Justin Ivey, who was my boyfriend at the time of creation. Shortly after school ended for the summer and our relationship had ended, he lured me to his father’s house and raped me.

I started by cutting up his eyes and face, methodically destroying the image of the man that haunted me for years. As I cut up Justin, I accidentally cut myself several times and smeared the blood over the image. During the performance I thought of the many ways I wanted to get back at him and how the criminal justice system and system of hegemonic masculinity would fail to bring me justice. I thought about how I struggled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how it caused my mental illnesses to surface. I thought about when my father triggered me and I nearly screamed what had happened and his reaction that followed. I thought of how I cut myself in a manic fit when I was on too many anti-depressants after Justin contacted me in the fall following the incident to ask if we could be friends again.

I cut up his face, this image I had created of him because I had previously cared for him. Despite destroying what physically remained from that relationship, his face still haunts me. After nearly an hour, I had finished cutting up Justin Ivey and completed the performance.